I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
