I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
