1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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