I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
