I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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