My room smells like vodka and shame
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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