i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
