I could make wine with my vomit
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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