My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
