I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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