Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
