Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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