The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
