a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
