I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
