im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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