worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
