You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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