Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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