The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
