My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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