Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
