6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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