So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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