An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
