why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
