a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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