Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
