3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
