She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
