Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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