cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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