Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
