u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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