FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
