youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
