i just sent this text using only my big toe
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
