my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize