I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
the room spins SO much faster in panama
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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