I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
