I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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