he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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