Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
