Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
