Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize