i will never coherently bang her
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
