I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
