just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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