Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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