I didn't shave. On purpose
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I yelled at your uterus for you.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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