piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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