last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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