when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
