When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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