I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
