i'm signing you up for texting rehab
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
