I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
