FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
